Monday, September 27, 2010

Love Is Blind (And Stupid)

Recently I have been involved in an intervention of sorts with a friend who is (as far as I am concerned) in an abusive relationship. Until last week I would have considered it only emotionally abusive and then he put her in a choke hold and locked her out of the house... but we should start at the beginning.

M broke up with D after a few months of dating and was miserable for weeks. She took him back after a few months apart and they decided to "start fresh". Things went downhill quickly. D would manipulate her feelings so that she blamed herself for any problems in their relationship. She was constantly making changes and working on their relationship, he was doing nothing. She bent over backwards to accommodate him and he kept demanding more. I considered M a strong independent women. She was outspoken and feisty. She loved jumping out of planes and was usually just "one of the guys". After almost a year with D she was just an hollow version of her old self.

I am definitely on the outside looking in and obviously don't know the whole story but it is so frustrating to watch this happen. To start how can someone even allow to be violated in such ways? I understand love and the complexities that come with it so maybe you do forgive. Forgiveness is a wonderful thing in a relationship and people can change for the better. However, when it continues to happen again and again what compels a person to stay?

So back to the intervention. Last week she caught him in a lie and was distraught. A friend and I tried to get her to realize the situation she was in. We sent her a list of signs of emotional abuse and discussed our concerns with her. She finally left him, hooray! right? All seemed well for a few days but now she is back to talking to him and they spent time together on what would have been their one year anniversary. This leaves me with so many questions. How can someone have such low self-esteem and allow to be treated in such a way? Why does love make you so stupid? Once you have called the cops on someone how can you possibly even consider taking them back? And the biggest question of all: How can I help her?


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