Love Is Blind (And Stupid)

Recently I have been involved in an intervention of sorts with a friend who is (as far as I am concerned) in an abusive relationship. Until last week I would have considered it only emotionally abusive and then he put her in a choke hold and locked her out of the house... but we should start at the beginning.

M broke up with D after a few months of dating and was miserable for weeks. She took him back after a few months apart and they decided to "start fresh". Things went downhill quickly. D would manipulate her feelings so that she blamed herself for any problems in their relationship. She was constantly making changes and working on their relationship, he was doing nothing. She bent over backwards to accommodate him and he kept demanding more. I considered M a strong independent women. She was outspoken and feisty. She loved jumping out of planes and was usually just "one of the guys". After almost a year with D she was just an hollow version of her old self.

I am definitely on the outside looking in and obviously don't know the whole story but it is so frustrating to watch this happen. To start how can someone even allow to be violated in such ways? I understand love and the complexities that come with it so maybe you do forgive. Forgiveness is a wonderful thing in a relationship and people can change for the better. However, when it continues to happen again and again what compels a person to stay?

So back to the intervention. Last week she caught him in a lie and was distraught. A friend and I tried to get her to realize the situation she was in. We sent her a list of signs of emotional abuse and discussed our concerns with her. She finally left him, hooray! right? All seemed well for a few days but now she is back to talking to him and they spent time together on what would have been their one year anniversary. This leaves me with so many questions. How can someone have such low self-esteem and allow to be treated in such a way? Why does love make you so stupid? Once you have called the cops on someone how can you possibly even consider taking them back? And the biggest question of all: How can I help her?

When I Grow Up...

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Children are commonly asked this question and can provide some very entertaining answers. Today I turn 26 and I am farther from childhood than I have ever been, but this question has been on my mind a lot lately. By societal standards I am considered a grown up. I am the owner of my own small but awesome home and with that large but less awesome debt, I am involved in a very grown up relationship, and I took my first "adult" vacation about a year ago. Part of being an adult (and paying off that massive house debt) is having a full time job. Forty hours of my week are spent in a cubicle working along side all the other grown ups. Day after day I find myself wondering is everyone as dissatisfied with their job, is this just part of being an adult? Is it naive to believe I could get paid to do something I love? I know there is no wrong or right answer to this and ultimately these thoughts don't have much to do with this blog... what I am trying to get to is a more relevant issue.

I currently work in a predominantly male field. The career paths I think I would really enjoy are more typically female (teaching, human resources, non-profit work, etc). Obviously, I am not a fan of gender roles and stereotyping but when I think about what I want to be when I "grow up" I get a nagging feeling that I am surrendering if I leave my current field. Part of me wants to be a woman that makes changes and does great things in this male dominated field. I would love to work through the ranks and make the path a little less rocky for younger ladies that come after me. I would really like to mentor other eager female engineers and know that I helped to change some of the stereotypes of this field. The problem is the longer I spend in the field the more I realize this work is just not something I can get into and be passionate about. I will never love my job if I continue doing what I am doing. I need to make a change but I struggle with the feeling that somehow I am letting those stereotypes win... what to do?

America's Women: 400 Years of Dolls, Drudges, Helpmates and Heroines.

Can a 20-something in 2010 relate to the first women to settle in America? Surprisingly after reading this book I can say with no hesitation; most definitely! There are so many elements I loved about this book. The depth of information Gail Collins offers in America's Women: 400 Years of Dolls, Drudges, Helpmates and Heroines is amazing, but what helps you really identify with these women is the personal stories interspersed throughout. Collins paints a picture of the typical American women at various points in history but then allows the women to share themselves in their own words through diary entries, notes to friends and family, speeches, and interviews. Throughout the book I found myself shocked at the living conditions, obstacles, and opinions women faced. Sometimes the shock was at how different life used to be and other times the shock was at how little has changed. In many ways we have come so incredibly far in others ways life is no different than it was for the first women sailing over to the New Land. With every positive change women saw new prejudices developed and that continues today.

Collins doesn't just present the history of women but also tells an intriguing story. Every women she chose to highlight was unique, but in so many ways they were all the same. Women throughout history have struggled with body-image, finding husbands, raising families, workplace issues, and on and on. These are the common threads you will find in the pages of Collins' book and your own life.